yes. i'm making a deal that shame is not allowed on the premises of my heart any longer. when i feel it, this is the practice. crystal clear in these days. thank you A.
So timely for me also. I will come back to this practice daily, multiple times daily if necessary. I love the idea that every day we get an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and begin again. Chop wood, carry water.
And today I was reminded by a rather stoic human “if I laughed at myself?” To which I replied, “yes. Often.” To which she replied “good.” Teachers everywhere, friend.
This was so lovely Elena, the reflection of your wonderful teacher, the reminder of the blank slate, and the beautiful meditation. My intention: invite fear to sit gently beside me but not to guide my hand or my heart. Pushing aside my fear is not how I find peace. Without acknowledging my fear, I cannot come into acceptance of my life and my humanity in its wholeness. This meditation brought me to this awareness. Thank you.
Hi Amy, so nice to see you here as well ; ) Indeed, "pushing aside fear is not how to find peace!" It was decades ago that I first learned to gently open the door, invite 'it' in and offer 'it' tea. Boarding up the door only increases the size of the fear, suffering and pain. Fear is a 'part' waiting to be recognized and embraced. We get to lovingly with metta, and soft hands, 'parent' that part as well. Blessings to us all on this mysterious journey of life 🙏❤
Such a gift to my shredded heart this is. I’m in the ‘portal’ of the loss of my son next month due to the disease of addiction. My ‘BAD and HORRIBLE’ mom has been screaming and flogging me. I have been healing the depths of this core hurt for years now and she came raging back in. Had to change my drenched with sweat and tears clothes last week after a deep dive w/ my mentor. I appreciate all the calming and steady hands on my heart right now. I will be returning to this often. Bowing in solidarity to us all. In gratitude am I. ❤️🩹🙏🏽
Oh sweet Joanie. Deep bows to you. Everything is moving in a healing direction, a wise woman once told me, even when it seems to be otherwise. In total solidarity, friendship, sisterhood. Hugging you.
Dear one, Joanie, to quote one of my dearest teachers "100's of soft hands are around you"... resonating with your reference to "all the calming and steady hands on your heart." Please know how deeply I appreciate your sharing. I have two grown children, I have to regularly remind myself that they walk 'their OWN path' and with that, dear one, I bow to your shredded heart. Know that my soft arms are around you as well. 🤍
My heart begs to your heart "Be gentle with yourself." Be gentle. 🙏💔
Entering another hard season of life and gripped with so much regret to turn back time and re-do. "Time to take the pressure off and just be present for whatever arises." Giving myself the gift of this today, or perhaps just in this one moment.
I was angry at my Mom for soooo long. One day in one of my tantrums she grabbed me and hugged me and said “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me” and then repeated it again.
I was still holding on to my anger {like some sort of shield} and she said “was it the order?” I softened ever so slightly at her quick humour.
“Please forgive me, I’m sorry, I love you”
It didn’t work instantly, but it did over time.
I understood that she was trying to let me know that she was going to out love my anger and her fear. In her own way, she began working on me trusting her again for the future, instead of working so hard on reshaping the past. She laid down her armour.
I was still terrible to her after that because I didn’t understand the gift she was trying to give me — a quiet atonement.
A clean slate for us to begin again.
I’m not sure that it fits or helps but awareness is the beginning of everything again and you have that E…tabula rasa.
Also, “parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth” {can’t remember the author}.
"she was going to out-love my anger and fear" - this is the gift of a lifetime to those parenting - whether ourselves or kids. Because years down the road, the residue of the love, the forgiveness, is the only remaining trace if we're lucky... I LOVE YOU, Alicia... to the Moon and back, as my Mom Judi would say. To the Moon and back.
Alicia, Alicia, Alicia... if you only KNEW to what degree your sharing resonates with my reality currently with my grown daughter who just turned 40! Not only does she live with epilepsy (medicated and doing well) but she holds and harbors resentment and rage in her core for having survived a crucial time of her life (adolescense!) when I was going through a time I barely could keep my own nose above water, never mind save my drowning children. OMG yes, "parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth!!" ~spectacular metaphor!!
My daughter fundamentally feels, and was in the big picture, abandoned when she needed me most. I simply did the best I could with what I had in front of me.... while collapsing and dragging myself and both kids along the cinder block road together!
I've done everything possible for the past 25 years to be authentic and responsible for all that I wasn't able to be for her when she needed me. I HAVE been here since, but she being a survivor as well, and a strong one as I am... our "warriors" clash and escalate... and all she ever wanted was for me to put my 'warrioship weapon of protecting myself' down, and just listen to her. Yes, my heart has been shredded in copious ways.
Thank you again, and again for this wonderful, beautifully written, succinct expression I so acutely resonate with! To quote you: "I understood that she was trying to let me know that she was going to out love my anger and her fear. In her own way, she began working on me trusting her again for the future, instead of working so hard on reshaping the past. She laid down her armour." Oh my, this brings me tears. If only my daughter could reach this point of awareness.
She lives in Europe with her husband and 3 year old daughter, and although she has played having a relationship with me over these past years... she finally, in an explosive way, sprinkled with compliments, simply told me in a voice message: "You weren't there for me when I needed you, why would you think I need you now?" and went on to say "We don't HAVE a realtionship, you should be glad that we're even talking."
Hand on heart, shredded yet again. Thank you Alicia, it's time to work on showing her, not talking about it... showing her... that I can and will put my armour down. Blessings, as I vocariously embrace and surrender to your deeply, stunningly, beautiful awareness.
❤❤❤🙏 ~ "V" (oh my...powerful words that I might and could... "out LOVE her anger, and my own fear") Gassho dear one.
It is so profound your timing!!! I appreciate you and this gift as I walk this parenting path of a 11 girl and 16 year old boy. My heart this morning was grateful for your meditation
What is it about our need for perfection that allows one small event to overshadow the joys of the thousands of others? Thank you for reminding us that we are all human, and each breath is a new beginning.
Elena, dear woman. I recently subscribed to Softening Time and so appreciative that the Universe has led me to you via Substack. Gassho.
This is longer than a response to your wonderful guided meditation, so I hope you and your community will indulge me here ; ) Softening Time members, time for a cup of tea ; )
I am 71, survivor of DV domestic violence, SA sexual assault/abuse, numerous layers of trauma, retired, 2 kids grown and gone far away building their own families, I live alone with 2 rescue dogs... learning ever so mindfully how to "be okay to be okay"... at last. I'm also working on having been a "spiritual warrior" my entire life to survive... being alone, I'm realizing perhaps if I can, it's time to "put the warriorship to rest." Just be with the basic goodness that is mine intrinsically. A work in progress.
Are folks out there familiar with IFS? Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz? I've been reading his "No Bad Parts" and doing my own IFS work. I also was turned on to SE, Somatic Experiencing a few years ago, what a BLESSING (my nervous system squeals!) With a Masters in Counseling (specializing with the Deaf, 1980) and post graduate Psychodrama training where therapists used their own trauma, I did my first inner child work. THAT was in the early 1990's! Thus IFS was right up my alley and easy to personally do work with... oh the stories I could share! ; )
With 40 years of professional advocacy for victims of the same (DV/SA), primarily specializing with the Deaf/DeafBlind/Hard of Hearing/multidisabled communities, and feeling marginalized my entire life, it comes as no surprise that I chose to crusade tenacitiously, formiddably, for a massive marginalized, misconstrued community with "no voice"... figuratively and literally.
It's not because I have a hearing loss myself (all my life)... the raw irony (and I was VERY uniquely good at my job!)... I could never be fully accepted by the community I fought for, trained the world to know/understand/accept, because I was not "Deaf enough." I was for the most part, considered "hearing" and that = "the enemy" due to the harsh, and non-stop, all consuming mistreatment most of them endured (when children) growing up in a hearing world. In short, with deep understanding, compassion, knowledge and experience, I can respectfully say they are from a different planet all together growing up and living without sound. As I say, with aging... no one.. no one... can really "get this" until they get HERE. This too is it's own planet, the last chapter of life (as I do get, all stages really are their "own planet" others can't truly fathom if not experienced yet) ~ thanks for listening to THAT tangent ; ) I've only been retired and alone for a few years.
It's after 1:30AM and I sit here listening to First Nation Flute music as I type away.
Because "I can" ; )
I'm sharing all this, not only because I'm drawn to, and because "I can", I'm new to this forum and want to take the opp here to say "hello" and intro myself. I have been a student of Buddhism and a practicing Buddhist for near 25 years since divorcing my husband. This first guided meditation of yours, Elena, that I just sat with, reached me; not all do. I knew I'd feel aligned with your energy after reading about your trip to Japan. Oh my, so dear. I look forward to going to all of your offerings!
With ALL this said, I want to share something to subscribers, re: how not only effective it is to invite the breath to "sweep" the mind (love that imagery!)... but something I find I use frequently, daily, is a technique I can't recall which of my many teachers I got this from...that being, when the mind ruminates, cannot be still/rest, ask yourself "Is THAT in this room?"... or where ever you are... "Is that HERE?"
This teacher said to support this, pick 5 things that ARE in the space you are in... mindfully focus on them...and then pick 5 things that are NOT in the space you are in. This works like magic for me, and I no longer pick items here or not... I simply grab the awareness of what my mind is doing, where it's going, and apply the technique like catching a fast baseball, and with that, note "THAT is not HERE"... and, for me...whatever "that" was, immediately, immediately... dissolves!
I smile, because I even still have the posters that I pinned up on my walls, maybe more than 20 years ago on my healing journey, when my mind would not rest.... I wrote the exact words "THAT is NOT NOW!" Amazing, the gifts of how the Universe aligns for us!
Let it be obvious, that I am a voracious 'story teller', always mindful and making an effort to edit myself as possible, I took liberty here to share myself with you all (perhaps ad nauseam for some ; ) being new to this community ; )
I loved hearing your voice (for the first time, Elena) and the beautiful meditation you offered us.
So comrades in peace, if anyone happens to try out the technique I offered here, please share. I'd love to hear from you, and looking forward to getting to know this community better.
With a deep bow, I give thanks to being here with all of you, and diving in deeper together.🙏💞
V, after reading carefully your response to Alicia (above) and then this generous offering here, bowing deeply to you, your life experience, your truth, your beautiful capacity for listening that goes far beyond hearing. Your presence here is a gift.
Additionally, the invitation to ask in zazen, "Is that HERE?" is priceless. Naming five things that ARE in the space, then five that are not... so helpful to see what this mind is conjuring v. observing closely.
I cannot thank you enough. Welcome to Softening Time.
So timely. I’ve been awash in intransigent shame. I don’t know if anything can shift it but this gives me at least a place to hope.
yes. i'm making a deal that shame is not allowed on the premises of my heart any longer. when i feel it, this is the practice. crystal clear in these days. thank you A.
Me too!!!
yup. the only way. sweeping...
So timely for me also. I will come back to this practice daily, multiple times daily if necessary. I love the idea that every day we get an opportunity to wipe the slate clean and begin again. Chop wood, carry water.
Thank you 🙏
sending love, Teri-Ann... thank you for being here
♥️💫 thank you.
you're welcome... thank you for your share... your presence...
It’s funny. I can sense emotion now and even sometimes a twinge of ache or shame I laugh and say, “oh, you again!” “Keep it moving…” 😊 then I float…
one of my favorite expressions from a dear friend of decades... "keep it moving"...
YES.
Yes.
And today I was reminded by a rather stoic human “if I laughed at myself?” To which I replied, “yes. Often.” To which she replied “good.” Teachers everywhere, friend.
e v e r y w h e r e
Exactly
This was so lovely Elena, the reflection of your wonderful teacher, the reminder of the blank slate, and the beautiful meditation. My intention: invite fear to sit gently beside me but not to guide my hand or my heart. Pushing aside my fear is not how I find peace. Without acknowledging my fear, I cannot come into acceptance of my life and my humanity in its wholeness. This meditation brought me to this awareness. Thank you.
a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t
of your fear, of your writing, of your kindness, dear Amy
thank you, bowing to you
E
Hi Amy, so nice to see you here as well ; ) Indeed, "pushing aside fear is not how to find peace!" It was decades ago that I first learned to gently open the door, invite 'it' in and offer 'it' tea. Boarding up the door only increases the size of the fear, suffering and pain. Fear is a 'part' waiting to be recognized and embraced. We get to lovingly with metta, and soft hands, 'parent' that part as well. Blessings to us all on this mysterious journey of life 🙏❤
Greetings. May I please be sent the recording of the last live meeting? I would be so grateful! Many blessings!
Hi Shevaun! Check your spam folder - I sent the recording from my email server. If not, email me and i'll ensure you receive it.
What a beautiful teaching! Loved the practice and your writing.
Thank you for reading, dear Ashley. x
Such a gift to my shredded heart this is. I’m in the ‘portal’ of the loss of my son next month due to the disease of addiction. My ‘BAD and HORRIBLE’ mom has been screaming and flogging me. I have been healing the depths of this core hurt for years now and she came raging back in. Had to change my drenched with sweat and tears clothes last week after a deep dive w/ my mentor. I appreciate all the calming and steady hands on my heart right now. I will be returning to this often. Bowing in solidarity to us all. In gratitude am I. ❤️🩹🙏🏽
Oh sweet Joanie. Deep bows to you. Everything is moving in a healing direction, a wise woman once told me, even when it seems to be otherwise. In total solidarity, friendship, sisterhood. Hugging you.
In gratitude for the support. I feel it. ❤️🩹
Dear one, Joanie, to quote one of my dearest teachers "100's of soft hands are around you"... resonating with your reference to "all the calming and steady hands on your heart." Please know how deeply I appreciate your sharing. I have two grown children, I have to regularly remind myself that they walk 'their OWN path' and with that, dear one, I bow to your shredded heart. Know that my soft arms are around you as well. 🤍
My heart begs to your heart "Be gentle with yourself." Be gentle. 🙏💔
Mahalo, yes, such a vital practice to be gentle with oneself. Softness feels just right. ❤️🩹
🙏💖
Entering another hard season of life and gripped with so much regret to turn back time and re-do. "Time to take the pressure off and just be present for whatever arises." Giving myself the gift of this today, or perhaps just in this one moment.
MEGRHI. I love you. Present for whatever arises...
A warm hug, a reassurance to begin again, a reminder to put down my judgment of myself ~ many blessings, Elena. Thank you.
heartening to learn you're putting down self-judgment, Susan. thank you.
I love you Elena.
Slow and tender as we go friend.
Hugging you.
I was angry at my Mom for soooo long. One day in one of my tantrums she grabbed me and hugged me and said “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me” and then repeated it again.
I was still holding on to my anger {like some sort of shield} and she said “was it the order?” I softened ever so slightly at her quick humour.
“Please forgive me, I’m sorry, I love you”
It didn’t work instantly, but it did over time.
I understood that she was trying to let me know that she was going to out love my anger and her fear. In her own way, she began working on me trusting her again for the future, instead of working so hard on reshaping the past. She laid down her armour.
I was still terrible to her after that because I didn’t understand the gift she was trying to give me — a quiet atonement.
A clean slate for us to begin again.
I’m not sure that it fits or helps but awareness is the beginning of everything again and you have that E…tabula rasa.
Also, “parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth” {can’t remember the author}.
You are doing a good job of being human.
Every day.
"she was going to out-love my anger and fear" - this is the gift of a lifetime to those parenting - whether ourselves or kids. Because years down the road, the residue of the love, the forgiveness, is the only remaining trace if we're lucky... I LOVE YOU, Alicia... to the Moon and back, as my Mom Judi would say. To the Moon and back.
Alicia, Alicia, Alicia... if you only KNEW to what degree your sharing resonates with my reality currently with my grown daughter who just turned 40! Not only does she live with epilepsy (medicated and doing well) but she holds and harbors resentment and rage in her core for having survived a crucial time of her life (adolescense!) when I was going through a time I barely could keep my own nose above water, never mind save my drowning children. OMG yes, "parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth!!" ~spectacular metaphor!!
My daughter fundamentally feels, and was in the big picture, abandoned when she needed me most. I simply did the best I could with what I had in front of me.... while collapsing and dragging myself and both kids along the cinder block road together!
I've done everything possible for the past 25 years to be authentic and responsible for all that I wasn't able to be for her when she needed me. I HAVE been here since, but she being a survivor as well, and a strong one as I am... our "warriors" clash and escalate... and all she ever wanted was for me to put my 'warrioship weapon of protecting myself' down, and just listen to her. Yes, my heart has been shredded in copious ways.
Thank you again, and again for this wonderful, beautifully written, succinct expression I so acutely resonate with! To quote you: "I understood that she was trying to let me know that she was going to out love my anger and her fear. In her own way, she began working on me trusting her again for the future, instead of working so hard on reshaping the past. She laid down her armour." Oh my, this brings me tears. If only my daughter could reach this point of awareness.
She lives in Europe with her husband and 3 year old daughter, and although she has played having a relationship with me over these past years... she finally, in an explosive way, sprinkled with compliments, simply told me in a voice message: "You weren't there for me when I needed you, why would you think I need you now?" and went on to say "We don't HAVE a realtionship, you should be glad that we're even talking."
Hand on heart, shredded yet again. Thank you Alicia, it's time to work on showing her, not talking about it... showing her... that I can and will put my armour down. Blessings, as I vocariously embrace and surrender to your deeply, stunningly, beautiful awareness.
❤❤❤🙏 ~ "V" (oh my...powerful words that I might and could... "out LOVE her anger, and my own fear") Gassho dear one.
speechless with respect for your self-honesty, V.
Thank you Elena, kind thanks 💖
Make sure the extra love you give begins with the woman who did the best she could all those years ago. Hugging you V.
Awe.. thanks SO much Alicia🙏 Tender thanks, I need that reminder and love🙏💕
how relaxing....and this slowing down
pondering intent nurturing awareness free of judgement easy conduit through your "voice" 💫✌️
made my day, appleton. thank you for listening.
It is so profound your timing!!! I appreciate you and this gift as I walk this parenting path of a 11 girl and 16 year old boy. My heart this morning was grateful for your meditation
the dream coming true here, bringing benefit to a fellow parent... hallelujah Darcy
♥️
sending a big hug Caroline
Let my thoughts drift away in the river of my soul. I am here and they are just thoughts. <3
Hello beautiful human. Thank you for this wisdom.
Sending that love right back to you, beautiful human. It was a wonderful post.
What is it about our need for perfection that allows one small event to overshadow the joys of the thousands of others? Thank you for reminding us that we are all human, and each breath is a new beginning.
so true. loosening the grip seems the only way forward. thank you for reading, Troy.
Elena, dear woman. I recently subscribed to Softening Time and so appreciative that the Universe has led me to you via Substack. Gassho.
This is longer than a response to your wonderful guided meditation, so I hope you and your community will indulge me here ; ) Softening Time members, time for a cup of tea ; )
I am 71, survivor of DV domestic violence, SA sexual assault/abuse, numerous layers of trauma, retired, 2 kids grown and gone far away building their own families, I live alone with 2 rescue dogs... learning ever so mindfully how to "be okay to be okay"... at last. I'm also working on having been a "spiritual warrior" my entire life to survive... being alone, I'm realizing perhaps if I can, it's time to "put the warriorship to rest." Just be with the basic goodness that is mine intrinsically. A work in progress.
Are folks out there familiar with IFS? Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz? I've been reading his "No Bad Parts" and doing my own IFS work. I also was turned on to SE, Somatic Experiencing a few years ago, what a BLESSING (my nervous system squeals!) With a Masters in Counseling (specializing with the Deaf, 1980) and post graduate Psychodrama training where therapists used their own trauma, I did my first inner child work. THAT was in the early 1990's! Thus IFS was right up my alley and easy to personally do work with... oh the stories I could share! ; )
With 40 years of professional advocacy for victims of the same (DV/SA), primarily specializing with the Deaf/DeafBlind/Hard of Hearing/multidisabled communities, and feeling marginalized my entire life, it comes as no surprise that I chose to crusade tenacitiously, formiddably, for a massive marginalized, misconstrued community with "no voice"... figuratively and literally.
It's not because I have a hearing loss myself (all my life)... the raw irony (and I was VERY uniquely good at my job!)... I could never be fully accepted by the community I fought for, trained the world to know/understand/accept, because I was not "Deaf enough." I was for the most part, considered "hearing" and that = "the enemy" due to the harsh, and non-stop, all consuming mistreatment most of them endured (when children) growing up in a hearing world. In short, with deep understanding, compassion, knowledge and experience, I can respectfully say they are from a different planet all together growing up and living without sound. As I say, with aging... no one.. no one... can really "get this" until they get HERE. This too is it's own planet, the last chapter of life (as I do get, all stages really are their "own planet" others can't truly fathom if not experienced yet) ~ thanks for listening to THAT tangent ; ) I've only been retired and alone for a few years.
It's after 1:30AM and I sit here listening to First Nation Flute music as I type away.
Because "I can" ; )
I'm sharing all this, not only because I'm drawn to, and because "I can", I'm new to this forum and want to take the opp here to say "hello" and intro myself. I have been a student of Buddhism and a practicing Buddhist for near 25 years since divorcing my husband. This first guided meditation of yours, Elena, that I just sat with, reached me; not all do. I knew I'd feel aligned with your energy after reading about your trip to Japan. Oh my, so dear. I look forward to going to all of your offerings!
With ALL this said, I want to share something to subscribers, re: how not only effective it is to invite the breath to "sweep" the mind (love that imagery!)... but something I find I use frequently, daily, is a technique I can't recall which of my many teachers I got this from...that being, when the mind ruminates, cannot be still/rest, ask yourself "Is THAT in this room?"... or where ever you are... "Is that HERE?"
This teacher said to support this, pick 5 things that ARE in the space you are in... mindfully focus on them...and then pick 5 things that are NOT in the space you are in. This works like magic for me, and I no longer pick items here or not... I simply grab the awareness of what my mind is doing, where it's going, and apply the technique like catching a fast baseball, and with that, note "THAT is not HERE"... and, for me...whatever "that" was, immediately, immediately... dissolves!
I smile, because I even still have the posters that I pinned up on my walls, maybe more than 20 years ago on my healing journey, when my mind would not rest.... I wrote the exact words "THAT is NOT NOW!" Amazing, the gifts of how the Universe aligns for us!
Let it be obvious, that I am a voracious 'story teller', always mindful and making an effort to edit myself as possible, I took liberty here to share myself with you all (perhaps ad nauseam for some ; ) being new to this community ; )
I loved hearing your voice (for the first time, Elena) and the beautiful meditation you offered us.
So comrades in peace, if anyone happens to try out the technique I offered here, please share. I'd love to hear from you, and looking forward to getting to know this community better.
With a deep bow, I give thanks to being here with all of you, and diving in deeper together.🙏💞
~ "V"
V, after reading carefully your response to Alicia (above) and then this generous offering here, bowing deeply to you, your life experience, your truth, your beautiful capacity for listening that goes far beyond hearing. Your presence here is a gift.
Additionally, the invitation to ask in zazen, "Is that HERE?" is priceless. Naming five things that ARE in the space, then five that are not... so helpful to see what this mind is conjuring v. observing closely.
I cannot thank you enough. Welcome to Softening Time.
Deep bows
E
Blessings to you Elena, thank you dearest for "seeing me", gassho 🙏